Lost. Just lost? Always lost? Too long lost? Self lost?

I don't even know anymore. I've just been so frustrated with life... for too long.  I don't even know if this thing is helping. I don't know if talking to someone helps, writing about it, praying about it, singing about it... They are all just temporary bandaids. I need something permanent,... But I just don't know what.

I'm missing something. Something huge. Sometimes I think I know what it is, but other days I have no confidence in anything I think. Just plain out no confidence.

Who I used to be and Who I am now are so different. I want to be who I used to be, but she's lost. I am Who I am now, but I want her to be lost. I'm lacking balance to combine the two, which is what I should probably do.

I feel like a child again. When I was a child, everything that went wrong was blamed on me. I couldnt get anything right. I was a klutz, my parents called me stupid, fat, annoying, troublemaker, screw up, liar, etc. I was constantly told who I should be like, mostly asked why I wasn't more like my brother.  I remember crying so hard because I'd be telling the truth and my parents wouldn't believe me. But I could look them straight in the eyes and lie and they would believe me. It frustrated me to no end that they would believe me when I lied with no emotion but when I was hurting and desperate for them to believe they would push me to the side, tell me to go to my room, or yell at me.
From this, I learned people believed liars, and liars had freedom. Then when I was 14 I lost all of my friends because of Lies. So I became ridiculously honest. Tho I changed, the people around me didn't.

So I tried to change them. I became a people pleaser. I tried everything I could to be who they wanted. When they weren't happy, I was sure it was my fault. When something was blamed on me and I didn't do it, I felt like somehow it must have been my fault because they weren't happy, so they were correct to blame me. I didn't see the reality of the situations. That something was just wrong, something had went wrong, or simply they were unhappy because they just were. It somehow always pointed back to me.

When I was healing and trying to change, I realized I can't control everyones happiness. Just because someone blames it on me doesn't mean their thoughts revolve around me, good or bad. Just because someone blames it on me doesn't mean I have to believe I did it. It didn't mean I ever had to prove anything to anyone. It didn't mean I had to give up boundaries, or fear hurting their feelings. Most of all, their problems DID NOT define me.

So, years later I have struggled time and time again with being a people pleaser. Taking on the problems of the world when I can't even solve my own. I finally came to a point that felt happy and healthy.  I admitted blame when I should have, helped figure out where others blame was coming from knowing it wasn't me that they were just hurting, but mostly had boundaries.
Now, today... I feel like a child because... there is someone I love deeper than I have ever loved anyone besides God and my grandmother and I feel like I can't get anything right by him. No matter how hard I try, I will always be that "silly" "at least youre pretty" "criticizing" "too sensitive" "emotional" girl. These are the things he has labeled me, just like my parents did. I logically know, its not me... But everything else is saying "geez girl, if only you weren't so ridiculous you could get it right." I can't do anything right, even if I could... Even if I am, even if its not me.... It's me. Once again, I am that child trying to figure out how to make someone love me and wondering why they won't. Wondering why nothing I do works... 

Broken Promises

She says "I cant believe you came all this way to find me"
He says "I will always find you."

Everything I ever dreamed or wanted a guy to say to me... two did... but never fulfilled.

One was a best friend and everyone thought we were or were going to date cuz of how we were together... I always told them nothing was up, till he started treating me as more than a friend... and when I told him I get scared and run when I get close to people, he says "I will follow". I said not if I go where you can't, and he said it didnt matter where I go he'd find me... I'm gone, where is he??
He said this and so much more, promises he couldnt keep.

The other, was my boyfriend for a time. He said he could see himself marrying me... I'm single and unmarried, where is he? He said this and so much more, promises he couldnt keep.

Now, I have a hard time trusting. I mean, everything romantic that could be said or done... has been. I dont feel there is anything any guy could say or do that I would trust as anything more.
I'd like to say, they've ruined it for me in every other relationship... but really, maybe I ruined it by believing them.

So, often I think maybe I'm still single because I really want to adopt and guys have been telling me they want their own... so we disagree, but maybe I'm single cuz I wont let anyone in. I mean, the two guys I ever loved the most let me down, who else will?

Everyone says "You'll find someone." "You'll move one." "The next guy will be even better." "Those guys just didnt have what you needed." "If it was meant to be it would have worked out." Etc... and maybe all thats true, but my heart doesnt believe. Logic cant win this one. My heart has never loved so hard and apparently the harder you love, the harder you fall and break... into too many little pieces, impossible to put back together so...

I am shattered.

Had this dream...

My current roommate and only friend, we were living in this big house and he wanted me to move out. He was ubber pissed at me. So I found a place, garage sized, and started moving my stuff. It was a slow process but at one point when I went back to confirm I got things, he started grabbing stuff and piling it in my arms and telling me to leave. I was like "What the heck? I'm getting my stuff." So I put my stuff in whatever vehicle I was using, and go back and he is locking up to leave with a girl. (and a couple other people but I just sensed them, didn't see them).
I stopped him and said "Hey, are you done being my friend?"
He said "Yes"
I started holding back tears and asked "Why?"
Angrily he said "Cuz you dont know how to communicate and you wont change"

I said something else, but I was also waking up at the time so I don't remember what I said. But my eyes feel heavy and my body is stressed .... that was a bad dream. :/

Depressed?

I think I'm depressed...
I spent alot of time alone but not entirely by choice... all my friends are growing apart, so no one hangs out anymore. I'm lucky if I see anyone once or twice a month. Its really sad.
When I make new friends, I guess I'm more excited to be their friend than they are to be my friend... cuz we swap numbers and I text and text, 2-3 texts... if they haven't responded by that many, they aren't gonna. And they don't.
My old friends are moving on in life, and new ones seem to be non-existent. There is only so much I can do alone. I find things to do constantly, but it's getting pretty lonely.

Well, since this has been happening, since September or so... I've been gaining weight. So this last 1.5 weeks I've been exercising, but I have a really hard time not eating like crap. I'm really active, work with kids so kinda gotta be, constantly have my own projects going. Walk to the store, mostly cuz I don't have a car... so it's not like I sit around, I barely make time for this, FB, or any other online thing... I really don't like to sit on the computer either. But anyway, any time I feel lonely tho I crap something crappy, shove it down my throat and a couple minutes later back to my tasks... so not to feel anything... and even typing this I'm tearing up and all I wanna do is go find some crap food so I don't cry... I don't think thats gonna happen tho cuz I know once I get up I won't sit back down to finish typing this..

Theres nothing new in my life. I used to do sooo much, hang out, go on adventures. Almost every weekend there was something fun happening even if it was just movies and pizza with friends. Always so much happening that I searched for alone time cuz I needed quality time with myself... now I get lots of me time with movies and I'm only eating pizza cuz I feel alone. I'm kinda tired of texting friends to see if they wanna hang. I'm tired of them saying we will hang and then never contacting me back... I'm pretty sad right now and I don't like it.

 I'm not used to this. Like Im used to having friends, people who desired to hang with me and me them. I tried to stay strong, the first couple months didn't bother me, boy did I love the me time! I just figured their time would free up eventually, I've always had a month here or there where I didn't see anyone... but I've never had almost 4 months,, and I'm not sure how long this will go on.
The older you get, the harder it is to meet people... most of my friends are married and/or have kids. I'm still pretty single and waiting... thought I would have been married by now.
Maybe thats why I'm really sad... 4 months of not just flying solo... but being single. I don't have the partner to give me comfort on hard days like my friends have. If I have a crappy day, I come home.. to me... it all stays in my head... even this dumb blog doesn't help anymore. It's not like anyone is reading it anyways. I'm just talking to myself... always now. I only know what I know tho, there is no new insight or encouragement coming from myself... its always the same stuff, the same voice.. my voice.

Sigh. I'm not suicidal, which is a good thing.. but I do feel pretty stuck on this earth. I know I'm alive for a reason, and I'll keep it that way... plus don't wanna put anyone thru hell who'd miss me... but it does royally suck and I slightly understand why suicide happens now. To live in loneliness or go learn what happens after death... well, the latter is at least something different, something new. I don't know, maybe thats not what suiciders are really thinking, I just like to learn and love new things. I just can only google so much, can only read so much, can only watch so much before I go crazy being stuck in my head... I need conversation, I need to know what others think and are learning, I need to know that my depression feelings are just indeed emotions that I can overcome and isn't reality... I can tell myself this all I want, it doesn't help... I need another voice besides my own. My own is getting pretty droll.

Sigh. Yeah, I'm pretty sad.

Forgetfulness? or denial?

Why, how is it that I always forget who he truly is?
I constantly see the good, so I have hope knowing he can be a better person... then, there is always something. Ass like actions using girls like their feelings dont matter, and this time it wasn't me... actually the last few times it wasn't me yet it was. Not only does he lie to these girls to get in their pants but he always turns to me and wants the same. Wants to cuddle, wants me to be there, wants to "flirt" as he calls it aka toucy feely. And the truth I always forget is how aggressive he gets when he is refused something he wants. I refuse him because I'm starting to wisen up... the only thing I'm still dumb to is being his friend.
I hate that I continue to see the good, so I continue to stick thru the crap. I always have higher hopes for people. This isn't just with him, but almost all of my friendships. I'm starting to think "Geez, I sure know how to pick 'em" Sigh.

I see the bad too, I get frustrated by it... and even when it stands out way more and more often than the good.... somehow I still forget it. I forget the person he really is now.
It doesn't matter how much good is in someone, if they aren't choosing to live in that... then it doesn't make them a good person. You can't ignore the wrong that people inflict just because their is hope for the good in them.

I hear this, I know this... but my actions aren't following my mind. I know so much that I can't seem to make my body follow thru with. I hate this, this lesson I have to go thru over and over and over and over again until I get it right.

AUGHCK!! He could be a good person but what he is doing is wrong so he is not being a good person, therefore right now he is NOT a good person. Hes a bad guy that doesn't care about others.

He should've been there...

This song... these are lyrics that struck hard...

Christmas lights glisten,
I've got my eye on the door,
Just waiting for you to walk in,
But the time is ticking,
People ask me how I've been
As I comb back through my memory,
How you said you'd be here,
You said you'd be here.

And the hours pass by,
Now I just wanna be alone,

And there in the bathroom,
I try not to fall apart,
And the sinking feeling starts,
As I say hopelessly,
"He said he'd be here."

What do you say
When tears are streaming down your face
In front of everyone you know?
And what do you do when the one
Who means the most to you
Is the one who didn't show?

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress,
In red lipstick,
With no one to impress,
And they're all laughing,
And asking me about you,
But there's one thing missing,
And that was the moment I knew.

And that was the moment I knew.

You should've been here.

And I would've been so happy.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being frustrated. Tired of it all... and yet I can't stop waiting, can't stop crying, and tho I can stop being frustrated... it always comes back with the next thing... and even if I could stop everything temporarily, it always comes back and above all else... I'm tired of missing you and what was... and I can't stop that. 

Why him, of all people... why him??

MAKE IT STOP!!!! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!! I HATE THIS!!

I'm a ridiculously intuitive person and foresee and "feel" things and have been dead on except one time recently and I was only partially wrong, in my whole 29 years of life... I've always known things and been right. I just know, and I call it, like tell someone just to hold myself accountable to whats the truth, and it always happens.
But heres the kicker, it's never ever happened so much as it does with him and I don't know why it does with him. I dont know why I have such an intuitive bond to him. I hate it and I want it to stop. Everything I "see" happening with him, happens. And it's not like he listens to half of it, like its gonna happen even if I wanna stop it. And like tonight, I wake with a gut wrenching horrible feeling just twisting and knotting my stomach up. It went on for over 40 minutes tonight and my stomach hurts so bad, and I have to wake for work in the morning. Just a few hours.
WHY LORD CANT IT STOP...
because I love him. Yeah, I heard that... I just don't like admitting it. I don't want to, cuz it'll never be reciprocated. 
Please oh please make it stop. Please please please take this from me. I can't stand it. I can't keep going thru this time and time and time again. Even when we were apart I felt things. I just wanna be away, far far away. I want the intuition to be away, far far away. 
I know I shouldn't ask for this. I know it's a gift. Right now it feels a lot like a blessing and a curse. 
I hate most how it worries me so. I hate the dreams, the "feelings", the thoughts, the worry. I hate that I'm a sponge soaking up everything thing/emotion around me. I hate that I feel like I have no control over it. I hate how I wanna save the world with it but can't... whats the use of this knowledge if I can only proclaim and watch as it still takes place? Well the bad things, the good are awesome to watch. But the bad that I know, it hurts to see that it doesn't stop just because I know. It doesn't stop if I say something. It doesn't stop if I take action to try and stop it.

What Lord is the purpose of this ... gift?
You are gonna use me for great things. I know, I know. Jeremiah 1:5... before you formed me in the womb, you knew me... before I was born, you set me appointed me as a prophet to the nations.

I'm not ready for this... I know you've been preparing and showing me,, but why me?