I don't even know anymore. I've just been so frustrated with life... for too long. I don't even know if this thing is helping. I don't know if talking to someone helps, writing about it, praying about it, singing about it... They are all just temporary bandaids. I need something permanent,... But I just don't know what.
I'm missing something. Something huge. Sometimes I think I know what it is, but other days I have no confidence in anything I think. Just plain out no confidence.
Who I used to be and Who I am now are so different. I want to be who I used to be, but she's lost. I am Who I am now, but I want her to be lost. I'm lacking balance to combine the two, which is what I should probably do.
I feel like a child again. When I was a child, everything that went wrong was blamed on me. I couldnt get anything right. I was a klutz, my parents called me stupid, fat, annoying, troublemaker, screw up, liar, etc. I was constantly told who I should be like, mostly asked why I wasn't more like my brother. I remember crying so hard because I'd be telling the truth and my parents wouldn't believe me. But I could look them straight in the eyes and lie and they would believe me. It frustrated me to no end that they would believe me when I lied with no emotion but when I was hurting and desperate for them to believe they would push me to the side, tell me to go to my room, or yell at me.
From this, I learned people believed liars, and liars had freedom. Then when I was 14 I lost all of my friends because of Lies. So I became ridiculously honest. Tho I changed, the people around me didn't.
So I tried to change them. I became a people pleaser. I tried everything I could to be who they wanted. When they weren't happy, I was sure it was my fault. When something was blamed on me and I didn't do it, I felt like somehow it must have been my fault because they weren't happy, so they were correct to blame me. I didn't see the reality of the situations. That something was just wrong, something had went wrong, or simply they were unhappy because they just were. It somehow always pointed back to me.
When I was healing and trying to change, I realized I can't control everyones happiness. Just because someone blames it on me doesn't mean their thoughts revolve around me, good or bad. Just because someone blames it on me doesn't mean I have to believe I did it. It didn't mean I ever had to prove anything to anyone. It didn't mean I had to give up boundaries, or fear hurting their feelings. Most of all, their problems DID NOT define me.
So, years later I have struggled time and time again with being a people pleaser. Taking on the problems of the world when I can't even solve my own. I finally came to a point that felt happy and healthy. I admitted blame when I should have, helped figure out where others blame was coming from knowing it wasn't me that they were just hurting, but mostly had boundaries.
Now, today... I feel like a child because... there is someone I love deeper than I have ever loved anyone besides God and my grandmother and I feel like I can't get anything right by him. No matter how hard I try, I will always be that "silly" "at least youre pretty" "criticizing" "too sensitive" "emotional" girl. These are the things he has labeled me, just like my parents did. I logically know, its not me... But everything else is saying "geez girl, if only you weren't so ridiculous you could get it right." I can't do anything right, even if I could... Even if I am, even if its not me.... It's me. Once again, I am that child trying to figure out how to make someone love me and wondering why they won't. Wondering why nothing I do works...
