Had this dream...

My current roommate and only friend, we were living in this big house and he wanted me to move out. He was ubber pissed at me. So I found a place, garage sized, and started moving my stuff. It was a slow process but at one point when I went back to confirm I got things, he started grabbing stuff and piling it in my arms and telling me to leave. I was like "What the heck? I'm getting my stuff." So I put my stuff in whatever vehicle I was using, and go back and he is locking up to leave with a girl. (and a couple other people but I just sensed them, didn't see them).
I stopped him and said "Hey, are you done being my friend?"
He said "Yes"
I started holding back tears and asked "Why?"
Angrily he said "Cuz you dont know how to communicate and you wont change"

I said something else, but I was also waking up at the time so I don't remember what I said. But my eyes feel heavy and my body is stressed .... that was a bad dream. :/

Depressed?

I think I'm depressed...
I spent alot of time alone but not entirely by choice... all my friends are growing apart, so no one hangs out anymore. I'm lucky if I see anyone once or twice a month. Its really sad.
When I make new friends, I guess I'm more excited to be their friend than they are to be my friend... cuz we swap numbers and I text and text, 2-3 texts... if they haven't responded by that many, they aren't gonna. And they don't.
My old friends are moving on in life, and new ones seem to be non-existent. There is only so much I can do alone. I find things to do constantly, but it's getting pretty lonely.

Well, since this has been happening, since September or so... I've been gaining weight. So this last 1.5 weeks I've been exercising, but I have a really hard time not eating like crap. I'm really active, work with kids so kinda gotta be, constantly have my own projects going. Walk to the store, mostly cuz I don't have a car... so it's not like I sit around, I barely make time for this, FB, or any other online thing... I really don't like to sit on the computer either. But anyway, any time I feel lonely tho I crap something crappy, shove it down my throat and a couple minutes later back to my tasks... so not to feel anything... and even typing this I'm tearing up and all I wanna do is go find some crap food so I don't cry... I don't think thats gonna happen tho cuz I know once I get up I won't sit back down to finish typing this..

Theres nothing new in my life. I used to do sooo much, hang out, go on adventures. Almost every weekend there was something fun happening even if it was just movies and pizza with friends. Always so much happening that I searched for alone time cuz I needed quality time with myself... now I get lots of me time with movies and I'm only eating pizza cuz I feel alone. I'm kinda tired of texting friends to see if they wanna hang. I'm tired of them saying we will hang and then never contacting me back... I'm pretty sad right now and I don't like it.

 I'm not used to this. Like Im used to having friends, people who desired to hang with me and me them. I tried to stay strong, the first couple months didn't bother me, boy did I love the me time! I just figured their time would free up eventually, I've always had a month here or there where I didn't see anyone... but I've never had almost 4 months,, and I'm not sure how long this will go on.
The older you get, the harder it is to meet people... most of my friends are married and/or have kids. I'm still pretty single and waiting... thought I would have been married by now.
Maybe thats why I'm really sad... 4 months of not just flying solo... but being single. I don't have the partner to give me comfort on hard days like my friends have. If I have a crappy day, I come home.. to me... it all stays in my head... even this dumb blog doesn't help anymore. It's not like anyone is reading it anyways. I'm just talking to myself... always now. I only know what I know tho, there is no new insight or encouragement coming from myself... its always the same stuff, the same voice.. my voice.

Sigh. I'm not suicidal, which is a good thing.. but I do feel pretty stuck on this earth. I know I'm alive for a reason, and I'll keep it that way... plus don't wanna put anyone thru hell who'd miss me... but it does royally suck and I slightly understand why suicide happens now. To live in loneliness or go learn what happens after death... well, the latter is at least something different, something new. I don't know, maybe thats not what suiciders are really thinking, I just like to learn and love new things. I just can only google so much, can only read so much, can only watch so much before I go crazy being stuck in my head... I need conversation, I need to know what others think and are learning, I need to know that my depression feelings are just indeed emotions that I can overcome and isn't reality... I can tell myself this all I want, it doesn't help... I need another voice besides my own. My own is getting pretty droll.

Sigh. Yeah, I'm pretty sad.

Forgetfulness? or denial?

Why, how is it that I always forget who he truly is?
I constantly see the good, so I have hope knowing he can be a better person... then, there is always something. Ass like actions using girls like their feelings dont matter, and this time it wasn't me... actually the last few times it wasn't me yet it was. Not only does he lie to these girls to get in their pants but he always turns to me and wants the same. Wants to cuddle, wants me to be there, wants to "flirt" as he calls it aka toucy feely. And the truth I always forget is how aggressive he gets when he is refused something he wants. I refuse him because I'm starting to wisen up... the only thing I'm still dumb to is being his friend.
I hate that I continue to see the good, so I continue to stick thru the crap. I always have higher hopes for people. This isn't just with him, but almost all of my friendships. I'm starting to think "Geez, I sure know how to pick 'em" Sigh.

I see the bad too, I get frustrated by it... and even when it stands out way more and more often than the good.... somehow I still forget it. I forget the person he really is now.
It doesn't matter how much good is in someone, if they aren't choosing to live in that... then it doesn't make them a good person. You can't ignore the wrong that people inflict just because their is hope for the good in them.

I hear this, I know this... but my actions aren't following my mind. I know so much that I can't seem to make my body follow thru with. I hate this, this lesson I have to go thru over and over and over and over again until I get it right.

AUGHCK!! He could be a good person but what he is doing is wrong so he is not being a good person, therefore right now he is NOT a good person. Hes a bad guy that doesn't care about others.

He should've been there...

This song... these are lyrics that struck hard...

Christmas lights glisten,
I've got my eye on the door,
Just waiting for you to walk in,
But the time is ticking,
People ask me how I've been
As I comb back through my memory,
How you said you'd be here,
You said you'd be here.

And the hours pass by,
Now I just wanna be alone,

And there in the bathroom,
I try not to fall apart,
And the sinking feeling starts,
As I say hopelessly,
"He said he'd be here."

What do you say
When tears are streaming down your face
In front of everyone you know?
And what do you do when the one
Who means the most to you
Is the one who didn't show?

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress,
In red lipstick,
With no one to impress,
And they're all laughing,
And asking me about you,
But there's one thing missing,
And that was the moment I knew.

And that was the moment I knew.

You should've been here.

And I would've been so happy.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being frustrated. Tired of it all... and yet I can't stop waiting, can't stop crying, and tho I can stop being frustrated... it always comes back with the next thing... and even if I could stop everything temporarily, it always comes back and above all else... I'm tired of missing you and what was... and I can't stop that. 

Why him, of all people... why him??

MAKE IT STOP!!!! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!! I HATE THIS!!

I'm a ridiculously intuitive person and foresee and "feel" things and have been dead on except one time recently and I was only partially wrong, in my whole 29 years of life... I've always known things and been right. I just know, and I call it, like tell someone just to hold myself accountable to whats the truth, and it always happens.
But heres the kicker, it's never ever happened so much as it does with him and I don't know why it does with him. I dont know why I have such an intuitive bond to him. I hate it and I want it to stop. Everything I "see" happening with him, happens. And it's not like he listens to half of it, like its gonna happen even if I wanna stop it. And like tonight, I wake with a gut wrenching horrible feeling just twisting and knotting my stomach up. It went on for over 40 minutes tonight and my stomach hurts so bad, and I have to wake for work in the morning. Just a few hours.
WHY LORD CANT IT STOP...
because I love him. Yeah, I heard that... I just don't like admitting it. I don't want to, cuz it'll never be reciprocated. 
Please oh please make it stop. Please please please take this from me. I can't stand it. I can't keep going thru this time and time and time again. Even when we were apart I felt things. I just wanna be away, far far away. I want the intuition to be away, far far away. 
I know I shouldn't ask for this. I know it's a gift. Right now it feels a lot like a blessing and a curse. 
I hate most how it worries me so. I hate the dreams, the "feelings", the thoughts, the worry. I hate that I'm a sponge soaking up everything thing/emotion around me. I hate that I feel like I have no control over it. I hate how I wanna save the world with it but can't... whats the use of this knowledge if I can only proclaim and watch as it still takes place? Well the bad things, the good are awesome to watch. But the bad that I know, it hurts to see that it doesn't stop just because I know. It doesn't stop if I say something. It doesn't stop if I take action to try and stop it.

What Lord is the purpose of this ... gift?
You are gonna use me for great things. I know, I know. Jeremiah 1:5... before you formed me in the womb, you knew me... before I was born, you set me appointed me as a prophet to the nations.

I'm not ready for this... I know you've been preparing and showing me,, but why me?

I can't believe myself

I did something so stupid and I often do when he's around. I hate it. I hate that I'm still into him in an slight or more way and can't say or do anything about it and yet he's my best friend right now. Yet also,  oh he makes me sooooo angry sometimes!!! Like, just leave me alone sometimes!!! Don't inquire about my emotions, just let me have them and move on. When I'm frustrated, keep trying to make me laugh but know when to stop. He used to, but... well hes been distancing himself cuz hes into someone now.

From that distancing, hes been missing the details. Maybe thats a good thing cuz then maybe I'll distance myself and get over him. I just miss it, I miss the fact that hes the only one who knows me soo well in all the small things everyone else misses and how he makes it so obvious that he knows me so well. I never thought that would be something I'd adore and even come to desire, even thought it was cheesy in movies... then it happened to me. He happened to me.

Those things, those romance things people talk about. All the cheesy stuff. Thats the stuff I thought couldn't be real. When I saw it between couples, I figured it was years of experience or someone was fooling the other. Logically, no one could know you that well... no one could truly go the extra mile for another soo much... no one could truly save or be saved from so much in life... no one could truly be there in every way big or small.... no one could make you laugh when you were pissed.... no one could stop an argument with a kiss or hug/hold... etc. I know that list goes on. But I did find it, and I can't do or say anything cuz its not returned. I hate that he does know me sooo well and spends so much time on the details when he doesn't want anything.

Usually in the movies, this is the part where they'd eventually fall in love. One knows and feels it, the other friend has been oblivious but then eyes are opened and love is confessed. I don't live in a movie tho do I? Nope, and that is what breaks my heart... that I could find someone so great and never have him as anything more than a friend. Like I know it's not going anywhere cuz I know him.

What are all the sayings... "one door closes, another opens." "It only gets better." "If that didn't work out, it means there is something better out there."
The one I heard recently that I'm starting to wonder "We accept the love we think we deserve." I'm thinking this. Like I feel like I've met the best and if he isn't gonna work out, then I can't imagine there is anyone else out there for me, like it can't get better. If I can't have him, and I can't see past for someone better... does it mean I think I deserve being alone, like that is all the love I deserve.

I guess... I don't know what I think I deserve, or if I even think I deserve anything but can only pray to be blessed with an amazing love... speaking of praying... I guess I have been given an amazing love I find hard to accept... Jesus.

Oh Jesus, I feel so alone. My best friend is my ex. And lately he's been my only friend in this state. All my besties are in other states and I spend so much time alone or with him... I miss community. I miss.. talking to someone about everything and not holding anything inside.

How many times do we gotta fall..

There's this story about this girl-
Day 1- She's walking down a street, falls in a hole- not her fault.
Day 2- She's walking down the same street, falls in the hole again- still not her fault.
Day 3- She's walking down the same street- sees the hole- falls in- her fault.
Day 4- Same street- walks around the hole.
Day 5- She's walks down a different street.

I feel like I've been between day 2 and day 3 for way to long. How do I learn, or even get to the point of walking down a different street?

Vent- I hate fake ass losers... ok, fake ass people. And as genuine as he seems, he constantly shows his fake ass side... and my problem- I care to much. How, when will I stop?

I feel like I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel at such a loss. Frustrated. Completely and utterly confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel... I know how I feel... kinda, but don't know how to change that.

I wanna be whole again. I wanna be that girl I was before him. I've been trying so long- to long, to find her. I'm starting to wonder if she's gone for good.

I feel like such a loner these days. I've never truly been close to more than a handful of people, but that handful was always around- always there. Everyone is spread out these days. We are all in different states and no one has time for their phone, text, messages, etc. Well they kinda do yet their answers are more shallow than they used to be. It's hard. And the one friend who is near doesn't have time to hang out anymore. I think this is another reason I feel so lost, so... I don't know. I don't talk to anyone about anything anymore... I tried but no one has time, they have their own problems to deal with. Sigh.

I get it, I do... it's just... I don't know. I don't know. Guess thats my favorite phrase. I'm tired of it. Tired of not knowing. Tired of being tired. Wanna be beyond this rut I've been in for over a year. I don't know what the next phase of my life is suppose to be or who with, what I'm suppose to do, where I'm suppose to go. I'm not used to not knowing...

Guess I can only say "I don't know" so many times... and that is where I'm stuck and have been for way to long.

The heart doesn't really know

Why do I care so much?
Why do I allow things/people to wound me time and time again?
I don't understand myself. As I am once again sitting in pain. Literally feeling like something has punched my stomach and stabbed my heart. It feels like something has been stabbed in me and is not coming out, it's just sitting there hurting deeper, making me tired and drained. Its so thick, intense, and hurts sooo much.
Why do I continue to believe?
Why do I wait?
Why do I allow others to lie to me thru words and actions?
Why do I allow myself to believe their lies?
Most of all... Why can't I just walk away?

A number of people have done this to me lately. Loss of friendships. Fighting in friendships. Good friends so far away. But I think the final straw was the one I've loved for to long going behind my back.  Oh it hurts to breath.... deep breaths...
When will enough be enough?
When will it be too much?

I hate loving someone so much and then getting hurt. I hate trusting them so much that it could hurt this bad. It keeps happening and you'd think I'd have the sense to learn... but I don't.

Why does the heart want what it wants and how do I stop it??
I think my heart is dumb. It doesn't connect with my brain and makes idiotic decisions, and foolishly holds fast and steady to those foolish decisions. What a stupid heart I have.
Stupid heart. Stupid girl.

Stupid guy.
Stop looking at me like you do.
Quit caring for me and wanting to take care of me like you do.
Quit hugging and holding me like you do.
Quit speaking to me like you do.
Just STOP!!! STOP it all!!!! You have to care for what is good for me. You selfish bastard!! You get away with so much and everyone lets you. They make excuses for you and when one person stands up against you its... hell. NO! Thats not ok. You hypocritical, foolish, manipulative boy. GROW UP!!!! OPEN your eyes to the errors of your ways! ACCEPT what you have done to others... or deal with the karma that will come your way.
Oh who am I fooling? Karma, ha. You are the luckiest bastard I've ever met and get away with what you want more than anyone I've ever met. So many literally say and think you can do no wrong.
I hope it all catches up to you and you can feel the pain you have so liberally poured onto others. I hope someday you are broken into such tiny pieces that you cannot be placed back together again.
You horrible creature. You aren't even worth being called human. Humans have hearts, where is yours? Maybe thats why you don't understand... you can't have something broken that doesn't exist. But one day I hope you grow one and in an instant it is shattered!
You do not deserve another precious heart. You have strung all your girls out on the line and counted them... you deserve to be shot in the heart and left to die. At this point, I'm not even sure I'm speaking metaphorically anymore.

What saddens me most is that I have come to this point, to think like this. I have never thought so foully of someone before. Then again, I've never met anyone as hard hearted before either.

This royally sucks. Why did my life have to get wasted being intertwined with yours??

What a waste of space. What a waste of my time, of my life.

He... is coming

Trying... 

And I know I'm not walking alone

in this... 

But it doesn't change the fact 

that...

It's pretty simple... 

And I do know... 

So please grant me the patience to wait, 

because when he comes,

it will be the most

beautiful day 

indeed! 

Friends with ex's

Ok, I'll tell ya... if you can TRULY be friends with an ex without ANY emotional attachment (sexual, love besides friends, desiring of more, fantasizing, etc... without all that!) Then you have a gem in a world of stone that should be crushed because ex's who are friends are ruining people all over.

When ex's are calling you to "save" them (and they are ENGAGED!), something isn't right.
When ex's tell their counselors about you, and their counselor says ya'll should date again, something isn't right.
When ex's swear you are the one they are gonna marry, even tho you broke up 3 plus years ago, something isn't right.
When ex's are calling you about all their problems, when their best friend is a phone call away, something isn't right.
When ex's are calling you to loan them money, when their family lives in the same town as them, something isn't right.
When ex's are all over your social media commenting and liking, when they are in a relationship, something isn't right.

I could go on and on about what isn't right but the biggest thing that isn't right, you still complain about why you can't get a decent girl. Why the good ones don't stay. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out and I thought you were pretty damn smart...

Staying friends with your ex's not only keeps the good ones away, but when you snag a good one... it destroys her security. It drives her a bit batty. It brings out a side in her she never knew existed and hasn't seen since you. And so much worse. Trying to re-find herself because she got lost trying to fight for you is the worst thing you could do to a girl.

Guys- if you want a good girl, give up the exs. And never ever put her thru dealing with them. Please hear me when I say this. You can make every excuse in the world about why it's ok, but PLEASE open up your eyes! Please!
And if a girl tells you- "She's not over you." Guys- girls know whats up. Please hear her. Please believe her.

If you can't get over your ex's, you know they aren't over you. Please don't leave me saying... I told you so when you can't find an amazing girl.


Girls- This all goes for you too. Get over him!! Or you are gonna miss out on the best guy you could ever find, he'll pass you by if you are to stuck on the past. Your ex is NOT THE ONE!

Freeeeedooooom (to dance, to sing, to be me)

Ug, really? I hate fake people!
People who pretend to like someone but don't right. So do you think everyone you pretend to like is dense or stupid and can't figure it out??
People who avoid or ignore you. Do you think we are all to dumb to see what's happening?
People who lie. Can we not figure out the truth?
People who act different around each person? Do you think we can't see what is naturally you and what is performed?

Why can't people be honest? What are they so afraid of?
I'd rather someone hate me for who I am than like me for who I am not.
I will apologize if I've wronged you, but I cannot know if you do not tell me.
I will try to make things right, but I cannot know unless you tell me.
I will do my best not to offend you, but I cannot unless you tell me what does offend you.

I can see when someone avoids eye contact. I can see when someone doesn't message or call like normal. I can see, the most obvious is when you cancel for no reason. If you don't talk to me, I will not know.

I think if you don't tell someone what they've done, not only will they not know to fix it... but YOU are the one living with it. YOU are the one holding it in. Growing bitter or resentment.
You know what? Fine. Live your life like that. Choose deceit, don't be honest, and see how you really end your life. See if you are truly happy or only wearing a mask.

I choose honesty. I made this choice about 14 years ago, full honesty. I've never had to remember a lie, I've never had anything to hide. I don't deal with much drama, and the drama I deal with can be surpassed with the truth. The truth really does bring freedom.

Seeing my life vs those who live in deceit... I really don't understand why they don't live honestly. They are being eaten away on the inside. Its horrible. Why do people choose that life?

It's logic to me, be honest and live free! :) 

Heart growing wings to flutter

So there's this boy, man actually... boy is he a man! I've never met anyone like him. He's super neat. Very honest. Adventurous. Cute. Just super awesome ninja!
Most recently, he didn't speak to me for 10 days and I thought "Oh no, what happened? Did I do something?" So I asked him, mentioned I couldn't help but think he was "moving on" and not telling me. Not only did he feel bad and clearly communicated what was going on (involving his kids, so he's responsible), but he made immediate change. He has texted me every morning and thru out the day since! 4 days later, I don't think he's stopping.
I'm impressed because I've never met a guy who not only hears me, but actually makes a change. After he explained everything, I completely understood and assumed I wouldn't hear from him much thru the summer. I figured I'd have to be patient, and it would be ok. Then he messages me. Hasn't missed a day. And the whole day. I think it's adorable and I am so impressed by him!
He constantly is doing things to impress me and he is a good dad, that is impressive enough, lol. I love talking with him. I love how he communicates,  how open and inquisitive he is. He can actually hold a conversation and knows what he is talking about. Oh oh, AND he knows how to cook. Swoon!

Sigh. But just like myself, I'm a worrier. About what I might be missing. Astrologically, we are a bad match in almost every way. But reality is trumping astrology right now. He seems like such a good match! I really like him, A LOT! So much. But this journey of "the one" has been so long and hard, so much heart ache and break. It makes it hard to believe, hard to wanna get up in case I'm just gonna crash hard again. Sigh oh sigh oh sigh. Sigh.

Revenge, but how?

Has anyone ever hurt you soo bad you wanna hurt them?
So the same person keeps doing things to hurt me, and for years I've put up with it. Like yeah I'll say something, but they don't change. They are to selfish. Well lately I'm tired of talking and wanna do something about it, like hurt them... but I am literally "too nice". Everyone tells me. I try to act otherwise but tonight proved it.
I'm stewing because yet again this person has said and done something so ridiculously selfish, only thinking of themselves and not caring that they have hurt me and another. I'm stewing and stewing and think "AURG! I wanna do something mean to them!!" So I continue watching this show that I only watch with them, without them. Yeah, they won't really care. Like they'll be annoyed, but won't care cuz they will just watch it on their own or start it with someone else.
This person can't be hurt because they always get what they want when they want it. I'm soooo sick of it. This person doesn't compromise. Oh and when they know they've hurt you, they buy gifts... which works for so many people, but thats not how I roll. Like all I want is honesty. I just don't get why that is so hard for people.

Ug. I'm so sick to my stomach with dealing with this crap. It's so ridiculously stressful. I have express this soo many times and really wish this person would hear me. UG UG UG!!

I just WANT. TO. SCREAM!!! AHHHHHHHHHHAAHHHHHAHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a complete selfish @$$!!!!!!!!!

Lost confidence

So, my last relationship really broke me... I mean BROKE me. Like I've been slowly healing, putting pieces back together, refinding myself, like really using alot of prayer and "glue" to hold myself together during the healing process. I never truly understood my feelings tho like
-Why does it hurt so bad?
-Why am I so frustrated at him still?
-Why can't I get over things and really let other guys in?
-Will I ever over come my new issues?
-Why do I have these new issues?
-Etc.

I heard on a show, this gal really got hurt by something a guy said to her. It was something that made her feel very unprotected, she has a daughter and also felt her daughter wasn't protected. And I'm not talking about physically protected, but emotionally. This guy did not protect her heart. Her emotions.
So she's on a date with a different guy and very frustrated and just sadly expresses -
"I was really upset last night, like that whole thing, broke my confidence... in all of this really, just to be honest." "I gave (so-n-so) the benefit of the doubt and I went against my judgement and it's like, what else am I missing?"

Thats me. My confidence is broken. What will I miss with the next guy. I'm to nice, I prefer to trust, but this constant trusting equals constant pain and to many ex boyfriends. I don't want another ex boyfriend, but I also don't wanna stay single all my life. I greatly desire to have a family, to be a part of a partnership, to honestly have a man be the man of the house. I desire all of it, and there was a day I felt 100% ready, or as ready as I can be without the experience. I had taken years of being single and really spent time getting to know myself, God, and learning my path in life. Then... it took one guy to destroy my confidence and set me back.
I had never trusted any guy as much as I did him, I had never given so much of myself to any guy till him, I really put myself and my heart out there. And my heart and self got hurt soooo bad. I know everything happens for a reason and God never gives us more than we can handle but... why did I have to put up with his scheming manipulative dishonest female controlling ways?
Why did I have to put up with all the catty manipulative ex's that weren't over him?
Why hadn't he cut the ties with them to begin with?
Why was he still so close to them and lie to me about it?
Then when I did start learning stuff, why didn't I blame him?
Why did I fight for him?
What, no WHO was I even fighting for?

I prayed so hard, so much, got counseling from leaders in the church, like really put everything on the table... and felt thats where I was suppose to be. It wasn't till after the break up that the leaders counseling me said they never saw it working out... why didn't they tell me sooner? Maybe they thought I needed to work it out for myself, but I really wish someone had said something because I honestly thought I was fighting for the man of my life. We had talked about marriage and our goals, he said I was the first girl he saw himself marrying... I wonder if that was true?... anyway, it became real, like I wanted to honestly figure things out, and so I walked forward like we were gonna marry. I knew what that required of me, so I fought for the relationship against anything that could break it... but him losing all of his ex's who also made up more than 1/2 of his friends, well I was no longer enough. He was so used to having them all. I couldn't understand and in our last weeks we fought sooo bad. I was no longer fighting for him, I was fighting against him. It hurt.
It hurt that he couldn't see how much everything was hurting me, how much I had sacrificed and compromised. How much I caved in to what he wanted, did what he wanted, became what he wanted... and lost myself. I really felt if you loved someone that much, that doing all those things was worth it. That it was I was called to do. I loved God so much that I gave up ALOT of who I was... but I exchanged it for something better... and thats honestly what I thought I was doing in this relationship... exchanging for something better.

So much time, energy, effort... and it broke me. I've lost all confidence in guys, that the right one is out there, that he'll actually protect my heart. I don't literally need a knight in shining armor, but I do need someone who will protect my heart, my emotions, my mind. And if he needs to physically, he'd do that to.

My heart is so fragile and I never really knew it cuz I had practiced to perfection how to protect it myself, then I trusted someone else to and they didn't. So how can I trust that any guy can?

Its taken me sooo long to even heal a little, and almost double the time of the relationship to even move on from him and become interested in other guys. I don't wanna go thru this again.

How can I gain my confidence back?

Don't blame me cuz you're lonely

I really hate when someone decides to help you out, then makes you feel like crap for it. Like seriously? Who asked you. Oh wait I did, but I'm asking someone else now.
What kind of gift is it to help if you are going to degrade the person or have an attitude about it? Thats not helping, and no one forced you to help.

Most recent experience
Girl: "What are you doing Sunday?"
Guy: "Have to chauffeuring the ex."
Girl: "Why?"
Guy: "Right?"

Yes, I asked the wrong person to pick me up from work. I looked at him like "Really?" Thats the only thing he was doing by "chauffeuring". Pick me up from work and take me home, thats it. Not much. But it ruined his plans because it was 11 at night. AT NIGHT! He had ALL day to hang out with this girl. ALL STINKING DAY! But because he had to pick me up at 11 at night he couldnt? He does this, hangs out with girls late at night, constantly has them at his house, then wonders why hes not in a relationship and why nothing works out. Sheesh.

So he HAS TO chauffeur me apparently. Does he HAVE to HANG OUT with me too? Does he have to call me up to hang.
Him: "I'm bored wanna do something?"
Me: "Gotta work."
Him: "Oh"
Me: "Why?"
Him: "I wanted to go do (... activity...)
Me: "Find someone else."
Him: "I don't have anyone else."

If he'd quit using girls the wrong way he'd have someone to hang out with during the day and not at night! If he got along with other guys he'd have someone to hang with!
But my point is this- NO ONE is forcing him to hang out with me. He wants to. NO ONE is forcing him to say yes to giving me a ride home, I assume he wants to. That or he thinks I won't hang with him otherwise, which is so shallow. I think somehow he wants to make himself look like the hero and everyone else look like users. Or something. Well basically I've heard him twist things to his favor to many times. He's not honest... huh thought, no wonder he can't get a decent relationship, all his lies. I forget sometimes. Lame guy.

BTW- You can saying you can be friends with your ex, but unless you share kids and have to talk... you really shouldn't, cuz there will always be some issue in that friendship. It can never truly work out 100% healthy.

Amen!

It'll do me good to remember and live by this. Quit wishing for the past, wishing for something that isn't meant to be, and patiently wait for what is meant to be. There is always something better and I truly believe there is a reason for everything.

So Lord,
Please work in my heart and being and help me to trust that despite my "feelings" you are there with a plan soooo much better than my own!

~Amen

Just STOP it!

I need to stop doing this... 

Being so jealous cuz I know you'll hang with an ex 

or some other girl you don't care about.

But I always hear about it later. You hang with them

but run to me. 

You run to me, 

but don't want me as anything more. 

I hate that I want you, listen to you, put up with your crap

and yet can never have you. 

What I hate most is...

My head logically says

"It's done."

"Move on."

but unfortunately my heart doesn't follow. 

But who cares right??

He said he wanted to hang with me saturday, but now I have to work. He had fun things planned for us. I told him "I have to work, maybe next weekend." 

He says "I don't wanna do it twice in a row." 

I said "Twice? How?"

He says  "I'll find someone else to go with me."

This drives me wild. SO WILD! And I hate it. I need to stop. I need to let him go. I need to stop thinking about who he will take. We probably shouldn't even be friends, cuz I really am not sure how to handle these situations. Being head over heels for him while listening to his relationship dramas. It needs to stop. Sigh. 

Homeless and climbing out of denial

So I've been homeless for a year now. Staying with various people but mostly one. I've lost friends, my family can't help me, work comes and goes so money is hard to make, and my car broke down 2 weeks ago. My car was my saving grace, it got me to jobs anywhere and I had a decent paying one... for 2 months, and without my car they do not want me.
Because consistent people have been able to help me, I've barely felt homeless besides sleeping on an airbed and having all my stuff stored somewhere else... I've been in denial. But now I'm told people are tired of helping. They want me and my stuff gone. Out. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I've never been like this in my whole life. Things keep going downhill.
I'm finally admitting it and have been doing research on... how to live homeless. Apparently, especially without a car, getting shelter is the hardest part.
I've asked my church for help... but they are helping so many I'm not priority. I've asked the state to help, but I'm one step away from qualifying. And now I've exhausted my friends, which I seem to be losing quickly.

I think I'm falling to rock bottom quickly and about to face plant hard.
Guess I have to quit denying that... I'm homeless.

As I admit this I feel fear, dread, constant tears, lost, helpless, worried, sad, broken hearted, useless, frustrated, a burden, lost, lost, and more lost.

I was a believer in human kind. I was also able to help many people, so of course I had many "friends", but as I can't help them, they can't help me. With my car gone, I can't work, I can't get anything I need on my own, and I don't have any money to go toward anything. Toward anything means to friends to say thanks. I'm getting on peoples nerves and they are sick of having me around. I'm really feeling like something is wrong with me. That I can't ever do or be good enough for any thing or one. Its a crappy feeling.
No matter what I've done to get back on my feet tho, nothing is working and things seem to be getting worse.
I feel so utterly and completely lost. I don't know what I'm gonna do or where I'm gonna sleep, let alone live. I'm so lost. So lost. so so very lost. And feel quite a bit unheard.

Room to Breathe

Song "Room to Breath" by Anna Gilbert

If we tried to start all over again
If we found a way to never care how it ends
Maybe you and me could make it all make sense
If we found the room to breathe

Sometimes the truth isn’t something you can see
If I were you, I would put my mind at ease
I know there will come a day when we’ve never felt so free
If we found the room the breathe

If we lie in the face of what we know
We will never find - the way to let love grow
Maybe you and me could let our troubles go
If we found the room to breathe




I think he and I need to start over and just give room to breathe. We are suffocating each other with remembrance of the past. Treating each other like who we once were instead of who we are now. We are only going in circles and this fighting will never stop if we don't stop it. Stop these thoughts, perspectives, controlling attitude, everything!

I honestly just wish he'd take responsibility. I confronted him about how I feel and said I just want it all to stop and he replies that it's my fault, he didn't do anything. UG!!!! Hate some people! It takes two to tango. So we are stuck until he realizes and takes responsibility for otherwise. I hate this period, when it's a war because of one thing that could be changed to change it all forever. So I'm in the waiting zone of this war, really hoping he doesn't fire again. Sigh.

Putting up with way to much

I think it's pretty ridiculous that I am always on his schedule. He'll make a plan with me, so then I plan for it, then he wakes up and doesn't feel like it. WHO CARES if you FEEL like it!!! Get over your selfish self and feelings and do what you said you would!! Be a man of your word you dang pansy! I'm not your momma and don't have to spoil you and give in to your way!
He does this alot, to everyone. But everyone says "Oh thats just (insert his name)". No, thats not just him, people have enabled, encouraged, and allowed it to be him. His behavior is not acceptable and shouldn't be. Its one thing to allow grace sometimes, but ALL the time?? Hello? And these people who say it's just who he is get as frustrated as I do. Well they go with the flow easier. I used to, but after a couple years of this, going with his flow is wearing me down. I've lost the patience.

He says he missed me when I was gone. I asked why, he said cuz he missed the company. Tho I replied "then you didn't miss me, anyone could fill that" he did say "no, there's other reasons". But all that to say, if he just really wants the company, and he has to do it on his schedule by how he feels, then what if I didn't follow? What if I wasn't his "company"? He has a hard time finding anyone else.

 I don't even know why he hangs out with me, he goes on and on about how much I annoy him, yet he "missed" me. What? What did he miss? Putting me down?

He called me selfish the other day. I just don't think he has room to speak, but he has a way that when I point anything out he can justify himself, make it look like what I'm saying is dumb and not true. He has a way of turning it around to be my issue. I've been noticing that, he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Can't say he is sorry. Constantly twist words around. And WHO is selfish?? Just cuz he's better at twisting the truth and putting me down doesn't mean he's not selfish.

I have such a hard time expressing myself with him. I try to say what I'm thinking and he spews my words back in a different order, or somehow brings it back to me and how I'm wrong. I don't even know how he does that.

Example-
Last night's conversation:
Him- "I wanna go to the (town) pool tomorrow."
Me- "What if we did (apartment name) pool first then later go to the (town) pool later?"
Him- "Yeah, that sounds good. Lets do that."

Today's conversation:
Him- "(making plans out loud for his day, which isn't what we talked about.)
Me- "Oh but I thought we made plans to go to (apt) pool then (town) pool?"
Him- "You made those plans."
Me- "What? You agreed to them, so WE made those plans."
Him- "I didn't make those plans you did."
Me- "Wait... so we aren't going to then?"
Him- "No, I wanna (making his own plans)"
Me- So you don't wanna go to the (apt) and (town) pools? Why?"
HIm- "No, I wanna... (plans). I don't feel like it."

Earlier he agreed, but then later he doesn't FEEL like it so suddenly I'm the one who made the plans, not him. Really? If he didn't wanna go by those plans he could have said something at the time. Either way, SOMEONE has to make a plan. Whats so wrong with me taking the lead? Does he have issues with following? ... Yeah, only when its something he doesn't wanna do. How selfish is he right? Gosh. So obnoxious.

I don't know what I'm gonna do... I know what I wanna do but... sigh. Whatever I choose, he'll find a way to make me feel like crap and like I'm selfish and in the wrong. I do what he wants so I don't have to put up with those feelings, but maybe I need to go thru it to stop putting up with his crap..? I don't know.

Goodbye

I think I'll need to be the one to say good bye..


 Song- "Say Goodbye"- Black Lab

How am I supposed to feel?
You strike at my achilles heel
with everything that’s wrong I can’t make right.
If I wait another hundred years
the whispers set against the tears
I’m never gonna be that shining knight.
I find it hard to be down in this hole now
I find myself walking down a hard road.

If I can’t say it – if I can’t say goodbye.
If I can’t say it – if I can’t say goodbye
I know you never will.

Now I’m waiting for that setting sun
to burn me down the day I’m done
and spread my ashes out along the beach.
But I find these days are pretty long
this war with you goes on and on
and I love you as I’m lying through my teeth.
I find it hard to be up on this wall now
I find myself trying to make a hard call.

If I can’t say it – if I can’t say goodbye.
If I can’t say it – if I can’t say goodbye
I know you never will
and twenty years of hell will rain down upon us
like frogs upon the pharaohs.

I have to say goodbye.
I have to say goodbye goodbye.
 ----------------------------------------------

Yeah, I need to say goodbye before things get worse... in due time, in due time. Till then I pray for the best.

Feelings vs Logic

This is driving me nuts! Why am I stuck on him? Why do I keep "feeling" like he's the one. "Logic" tells me, - more than 1/2 the girls he's dated feel that, and he can't get over the control he has over them. So reality shows a pattern in which I should remove myself.

I've tried tho. He thinks I have. I've gotten him and many others to believe I am truly over him. I felt I had to, to not be hurt deeper. It's all been such a dreadful painful process. Now it's internal, when I see him I have to remind myself to not look back. To not expect much from him. To ignore my feelings and move on. Thats easier said than done tho right.

I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I feel lost. And all my being wants to tell him, to scream it out. All my being wants to be the girl for him and to do whatever makes him happy. Is this crazy? Am I crazy? Who goes thru this? Who thinks like this? And why can't I stop?
I'm so used to being a logical thinker. I can turn my emotions off pretty quick when logic tells me otherwise, but not this time. Why? Why is it so hard to turn my emotions off? How long will I be stuck on him? Will I be able to move on or will I always want me no matter where I am? Will a part of me always love him deeply regardless where we are in life or if I'm with another guy?

Heres the thing, "they" say that it takes like 1/2 the time of the entire relationship to get over someone. Some even say the number of months you were together, it'll take that many weeks. And there are other sayings, but for me it's been a month shy of 2 years apart and we were only together a year. Why can't I move on?

I'm not the only one tho, so you'd think my logic would assess the situation and simply shut my feelings down knowing my feelings aren't unique.

The thing is, everytime I tell myself I'm no different than any other girl... someone comes and tells me he has never cared for a girl like he does me. That he acts so different with me compared to the others.
As soon as I tell myself he doesn't care for me as deep as I believe or others say, he comes to me desiring to take care of me and he doesn't know why.
I have all these "as soon as I tell myself..." and "everytime..." with something to backfire it so I can't move on. Its kinda to much of those tho. Why can't I just simply settle on moving on?

And whats his dilemma? WHY does he want so bad to take care of me? WHY does he tell me he loves me, and doesn't back it up with "like a friend" or something? WHY does he hold me when I cry? WHY does he listen to my problems and try to solve them? WHY does he miss me when I'm gone?
So many WHY!?s with no answers. I ask him these and he doesn't even know. How does he not know?

He says he's over me, but he doesn't know why he cares for me and wants to take care of me. He's dating other people, and I kinda am too. He's desperately seeking someone he can marry, while he takes care of me. He's so confusing. So very confusing. No wonder I'm stuck... I wish he'd just stop caring about me! I wish he'd just stop taking care of me! UG!

Maybe I'm the one who needs to stop letting him take care of me. I tried it, I ignored him for awhile but he returned, texting for my attention. Then after a couple weeks I told him we couldn't be friends and why. So we weren't, then a gal lead him back into my life and we again picked up as friends. We've had so much fun. But... I don't know. He's become my best friend and so it's very frustrating that it won't become more again. That our past destroyed a future. Well that his ex's and poor decisions destroyed our future.
Guess we never really had a chance tho. I never got to see what we could have been with out his ex's having attitudes about us being together, without dealing with them still wanting him. I never saw what could have been and never will. So I'm left to regret which is such a rarity for me that I do not know how to handle it. I do not know where to go from here. What steps forward to take to move beyond the regret. Cuz it's not like I'll ever get a 2nd chance.

Oh sigh, but could I? This is what my heart crys out and my heart screams louder than my head. I'm torn and wish my heart and head  could line up.

"It's amazing how much damage can be done when you have nothing but good intentions."

My heart means well, I think I'm trying to help that I'm making things better and yet somehow it all goes down hill.

Oh sigh, but could I? This is what my heart crys out and my heart screams louder than my head. I'm torn and wish my heart and head  could line up.

Emotionally sick and tired

Manipulation... I. HATE. IT!
I hate most that I'm not a quick thinker. I process quickly, but the right words and comeback don't happen quickly. I hate that he can say all these things, twist words, and make me feel belittled and that I am in the wrong. That there is something wrong with me while he does and says everything right. Then when I'm alone I process all that happened and I recognize the same manipulation I grew up with.
He doesn't stop to listen. He gets aggressive with me. Gets mad at me for sooo much, to an extent I try my best not to do it...
My problem is I keep trying to change for him, or at least for a moment hold off the annoying behavior that is so me. For a moment try to keep him... not mad at me. I don't like people being mad at me. I desire to make people happy. I go to ridiculous lengths so people will be happy. And when they aren't it's hard on me. I then try harder and harder to do whatever they need. Such a people pleaser, but its internally killing me. Some people will never truly be happy no matter what I do.
This truly sucks. Why can't I find just one person happy with everything about me? Every annoying habit. Every frustrating habit. I'm not perfect and can't be. Can someone just be happy with that?

Broken Word... I. HATE. IT!
What happened to the days where our word is our bond?
I hate most that I trust so much and so deeply in people. I trust every word they say, unless something inside me tells me otherwise. I trust their actions and words will line up. That what they say will come to pass. When they fail, I hurt deeply. Maybe to deeply. I think "Maybe it's way to important to me and shouldn't be?" But regardless, it is very very important that someone keeps their word because I do try myself. And if you can't, at least tell me ahead of time and explain why... hopefully unselfishly why. I mean, life happens. You can't always do exactly what you say when you say, but you can fix it, help ease the pain of disappointment, reschedule, just do something to somehow keep your word even if it's kept later.

Ug, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm 12 or 13 again. When I felt I couldn't do anything right no matter how hard I tried. That I said and did all the wrong things and I couldn't be the person they wanted me to be.
I feel like I keep doing wrong by him. That I can't do anything right. That who I am will never be good enough, even as just friends. And every little thing I try to do or change to help, will never be enough. And still if I did do or say the right things, it still wouldn't be good enough because it's me, coming from me.

I don't care if people hate me or have horrible thoughts about me... but I do care if it's someone I care about. I wanna be the right person they need at the moment. I wanna do the right thing that will make them happy. I wanna say that right thing to make them feel better. I wanna make the right decisions that will make their life better. I keep screwing up tho. I try to hard and I make everything worse. I don't try at all and I make everything worse. I try to find my balance and I make everything worse. I don't know what to do to fix things. And maybe I can't, but until I learn that I will keep trying, which maybe is the thing hurt myself and others.

I don't mean to, but I'm an embarrassment. I embarrass friends and family cuz I say and do the wrong things at the wrong time. I wish I could stop, but I don't know how.
I don't know how to stop trying so hard. I don't know how to stop trying to please everyone. I don't know how to stop being the kind of person that just blurts things out. I don't know how to stop being having so many emotions I don't know how to control. I don't know how to stop... being me.

I know there is many good about me, but does it outweigh the bad?

Sometimes I feel like if I just disappeared, people would be better. I don't mean like to die. I just mean like if I disappeared to another place. Maybe just left people alone, would they be better? Would they be happier. Like am I just in their way to finding happiness? I tend to make things worse, so logically things would get better if I wasn't around right?

One of the things that people hate the most about me... I'm to extreme. I know I am. I don't know how to stop that tho. So if they hate it, and I disappeared then they wouldn't have to deal with it... maybe life would be easier for them. It makes alot of sense to me right now.

I wish I could find someone to understand, to talk to. Instead when I tell people, they just tell me what I should or shouldn't do to be better, to change. I've got so many people telling me what I should or shouldn't do to be what they think is better... it's overwhelming. If I do one thing someone loves, another will hate it. I can't win for losing. I don't know where to go, what to do. But maybe people will be better when I'm not around to make things worse?

I don't wanna believe that, and there is a part of me that doesn't believe it. But there is a part that def believes it cuz when I get quiet and hide then return, people are refreshed again and then I drain them.

Sigh, I am to much to deal with. I'm sorry. I'm sorry world. I wish this ONE person could make a difference, but.... yeah.

Not JUST another girl, or am I?

(A new blog, a fresh start because more than anything, I need a place where I am not judged. Told I'm wrong or to get over it. I need a place of full freedom and discovery of my emotions cuz honestly, emotions are so confusing sometimes and frankly can SUCK! So here I am, ... to share with you and hopefully have self discovery along the way.) 

My Story-  another girl hurt by a guy trying to find her way back to herself. 

I've overcome quite a bit and grown so much since previous blogs, journal writing, and even prayer I'll admit, but I'm still strung along in confusion as this guy can't make up his mind what he wants from me and I'm still stuck on wanting him, but unable to say anymore than I have. 

We don't get along, can't communicate for the life of us, and yet we love hanging out and exploring places together. We can't do enough together but have had to much of each other. He's like my best friend, and he tells everyone else that we have a special connection... honestly I'm still waiting on this connection, cuz while everyone else sees that he treats me so different than he has any other girl... I still see myself as just another girl. 

In Reality, nothing will probably ever work out between us again. But I have this memory of the good that exceeds the bad and all that he has taught me keeps me yearning for him. 

We are both stuck. Me on the potential of who he can be, and him on caring for me soo deeply that he constantly takes care of me and doesn't know why.

Will either of us grow out of being stuck? And if so, which direction will we go?

Guess we'll learn as the story continues in the unlived future. 

This is a story about her confuzed heart, which is really a blog about mine.