I can't believe myself

I did something so stupid and I often do when he's around. I hate it. I hate that I'm still into him in an slight or more way and can't say or do anything about it and yet he's my best friend right now. Yet also,  oh he makes me sooooo angry sometimes!!! Like, just leave me alone sometimes!!! Don't inquire about my emotions, just let me have them and move on. When I'm frustrated, keep trying to make me laugh but know when to stop. He used to, but... well hes been distancing himself cuz hes into someone now.

From that distancing, hes been missing the details. Maybe thats a good thing cuz then maybe I'll distance myself and get over him. I just miss it, I miss the fact that hes the only one who knows me soo well in all the small things everyone else misses and how he makes it so obvious that he knows me so well. I never thought that would be something I'd adore and even come to desire, even thought it was cheesy in movies... then it happened to me. He happened to me.

Those things, those romance things people talk about. All the cheesy stuff. Thats the stuff I thought couldn't be real. When I saw it between couples, I figured it was years of experience or someone was fooling the other. Logically, no one could know you that well... no one could truly go the extra mile for another soo much... no one could truly save or be saved from so much in life... no one could truly be there in every way big or small.... no one could make you laugh when you were pissed.... no one could stop an argument with a kiss or hug/hold... etc. I know that list goes on. But I did find it, and I can't do or say anything cuz its not returned. I hate that he does know me sooo well and spends so much time on the details when he doesn't want anything.

Usually in the movies, this is the part where they'd eventually fall in love. One knows and feels it, the other friend has been oblivious but then eyes are opened and love is confessed. I don't live in a movie tho do I? Nope, and that is what breaks my heart... that I could find someone so great and never have him as anything more than a friend. Like I know it's not going anywhere cuz I know him.

What are all the sayings... "one door closes, another opens." "It only gets better." "If that didn't work out, it means there is something better out there."
The one I heard recently that I'm starting to wonder "We accept the love we think we deserve." I'm thinking this. Like I feel like I've met the best and if he isn't gonna work out, then I can't imagine there is anyone else out there for me, like it can't get better. If I can't have him, and I can't see past for someone better... does it mean I think I deserve being alone, like that is all the love I deserve.

I guess... I don't know what I think I deserve, or if I even think I deserve anything but can only pray to be blessed with an amazing love... speaking of praying... I guess I have been given an amazing love I find hard to accept... Jesus.

Oh Jesus, I feel so alone. My best friend is my ex. And lately he's been my only friend in this state. All my besties are in other states and I spend so much time alone or with him... I miss community. I miss.. talking to someone about everything and not holding anything inside.

How many times do we gotta fall..

There's this story about this girl-
Day 1- She's walking down a street, falls in a hole- not her fault.
Day 2- She's walking down the same street, falls in the hole again- still not her fault.
Day 3- She's walking down the same street- sees the hole- falls in- her fault.
Day 4- Same street- walks around the hole.
Day 5- She's walks down a different street.

I feel like I've been between day 2 and day 3 for way to long. How do I learn, or even get to the point of walking down a different street?

Vent- I hate fake ass losers... ok, fake ass people. And as genuine as he seems, he constantly shows his fake ass side... and my problem- I care to much. How, when will I stop?

I feel like I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel at such a loss. Frustrated. Completely and utterly confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel... I know how I feel... kinda, but don't know how to change that.

I wanna be whole again. I wanna be that girl I was before him. I've been trying so long- to long, to find her. I'm starting to wonder if she's gone for good.

I feel like such a loner these days. I've never truly been close to more than a handful of people, but that handful was always around- always there. Everyone is spread out these days. We are all in different states and no one has time for their phone, text, messages, etc. Well they kinda do yet their answers are more shallow than they used to be. It's hard. And the one friend who is near doesn't have time to hang out anymore. I think this is another reason I feel so lost, so... I don't know. I don't talk to anyone about anything anymore... I tried but no one has time, they have their own problems to deal with. Sigh.

I get it, I do... it's just... I don't know. I don't know. Guess thats my favorite phrase. I'm tired of it. Tired of not knowing. Tired of being tired. Wanna be beyond this rut I've been in for over a year. I don't know what the next phase of my life is suppose to be or who with, what I'm suppose to do, where I'm suppose to go. I'm not used to not knowing...

Guess I can only say "I don't know" so many times... and that is where I'm stuck and have been for way to long.