Manipulation... I. HATE. IT!
I hate most that I'm not a quick thinker. I process quickly, but the right words and comeback don't happen quickly. I hate that he can say all these things, twist words, and make me feel belittled and that I am in the wrong. That there is something wrong with me while he does and says everything right. Then when I'm alone I process all that happened and I recognize the same manipulation I grew up with.
He doesn't stop to listen. He gets aggressive with me. Gets mad at me for sooo much, to an extent I try my best not to do it...
My problem is I keep trying to change for him, or at least for a moment hold off the annoying behavior that is so me. For a moment try to keep him... not mad at me. I don't like people being mad at me. I desire to make people happy. I go to ridiculous lengths so people will be happy. And when they aren't it's hard on me. I then try harder and harder to do whatever they need. Such a people pleaser, but its internally killing me. Some people will never truly be happy no matter what I do.
This truly sucks. Why can't I find just one person happy with everything about me? Every annoying habit. Every frustrating habit. I'm not perfect and can't be. Can someone just be happy with that?
Broken Word... I. HATE. IT!
What happened to the days where our word is our bond?
I hate most that I trust so much and so deeply in people. I trust every word they say, unless something inside me tells me otherwise. I trust their actions and words will line up. That what they say will come to pass. When they fail, I hurt deeply. Maybe to deeply. I think "Maybe it's way to important to me and shouldn't be?" But regardless, it is very very important that someone keeps their word because I do try myself. And if you can't, at least tell me ahead of time and explain why... hopefully unselfishly why. I mean, life happens. You can't always do exactly what you say when you say, but you can fix it, help ease the pain of disappointment, reschedule, just do something to somehow keep your word even if it's kept later.
Ug, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm 12 or 13 again. When I felt I couldn't do anything right no matter how hard I tried. That I said and did all the wrong things and I couldn't be the person they wanted me to be.
I feel like I keep doing wrong by him. That I can't do anything right. That who I am will never be good enough, even as just friends. And every little thing I try to do or change to help, will never be enough. And still if I did do or say the right things, it still wouldn't be good enough because it's me, coming from me.
I don't care if people hate me or have horrible thoughts about me... but I do care if it's someone I care about. I wanna be the right person they need at the moment. I wanna do the right thing that will make them happy. I wanna say that right thing to make them feel better. I wanna make the right decisions that will make their life better. I keep screwing up tho. I try to hard and I make everything worse. I don't try at all and I make everything worse. I try to find my balance and I make everything worse. I don't know what to do to fix things. And maybe I can't, but until I learn that I will keep trying, which maybe is the thing hurt myself and others.
I don't mean to, but I'm an embarrassment. I embarrass friends and family cuz I say and do the wrong things at the wrong time. I wish I could stop, but I don't know how.
I don't know how to stop trying so hard. I don't know how to stop trying to please everyone. I don't know how to stop being the kind of person that just blurts things out. I don't know how to stop being having so many emotions I don't know how to control. I don't know how to stop... being me.
I know there is many good about me, but does it outweigh the bad?
Sometimes I feel like if I just disappeared, people would be better. I don't mean like to die. I just mean like if I disappeared to another place. Maybe just left people alone, would they be better? Would they be happier. Like am I just in their way to finding happiness? I tend to make things worse, so logically things would get better if I wasn't around right?
One of the things that people hate the most about me... I'm to extreme. I know I am. I don't know how to stop that tho. So if they hate it, and I disappeared then they wouldn't have to deal with it... maybe life would be easier for them. It makes alot of sense to me right now.
I wish I could find someone to understand, to talk to. Instead when I tell people, they just tell me what I should or shouldn't do to be better, to change. I've got so many people telling me what I should or shouldn't do to be what they think is better... it's overwhelming. If I do one thing someone loves, another will hate it. I can't win for losing. I don't know where to go, what to do. But maybe people will be better when I'm not around to make things worse?
I don't wanna believe that, and there is a part of me that doesn't believe it. But there is a part that def believes it cuz when I get quiet and hide then return, people are refreshed again and then I drain them.
Sigh, I am to much to deal with. I'm sorry. I'm sorry world. I wish this ONE person could make a difference, but.... yeah.
No comments:
Post a Comment