I've tried tho. He thinks I have. I've gotten him and many others to believe I am truly over him. I felt I had to, to not be hurt deeper. It's all been such a dreadful painful process. Now it's internal, when I see him I have to remind myself to not look back. To not expect much from him. To ignore my feelings and move on. Thats easier said than done tho right.
I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I feel lost. And all my being wants to tell him, to scream it out. All my being wants to be the girl for him and to do whatever makes him happy. Is this crazy? Am I crazy? Who goes thru this? Who thinks like this? And why can't I stop?
I'm so used to being a logical thinker. I can turn my emotions off pretty quick when logic tells me otherwise, but not this time. Why? Why is it so hard to turn my emotions off? How long will I be stuck on him? Will I be able to move on or will I always want me no matter where I am? Will a part of me always love him deeply regardless where we are in life or if I'm with another guy?
Heres the thing, "they" say that it takes like 1/2 the time of the entire relationship to get over someone. Some even say the number of months you were together, it'll take that many weeks. And there are other sayings, but for me it's been a month shy of 2 years apart and we were only together a year. Why can't I move on?
I'm not the only one tho, so you'd think my logic would assess the situation and simply shut my feelings down knowing my feelings aren't unique.
The thing is, everytime I tell myself I'm no different than any other girl... someone comes and tells me he has never cared for a girl like he does me. That he acts so different with me compared to the others.
As soon as I tell myself he doesn't care for me as deep as I believe or others say, he comes to me desiring to take care of me and he doesn't know why.
I have all these "as soon as I tell myself..." and "everytime..." with something to backfire it so I can't move on. Its kinda to much of those tho. Why can't I just simply settle on moving on?
And whats his dilemma? WHY does he want so bad to take care of me? WHY does he tell me he loves me, and doesn't back it up with "like a friend" or something? WHY does he hold me when I cry? WHY does he listen to my problems and try to solve them? WHY does he miss me when I'm gone?
So many WHY!?s with no answers. I ask him these and he doesn't even know. How does he not know?
He says he's over me, but he doesn't know why he cares for me and wants to take care of me. He's dating other people, and I kinda am too. He's desperately seeking someone he can marry, while he takes care of me. He's so confusing. So very confusing. No wonder I'm stuck... I wish he'd just stop caring about me! I wish he'd just stop taking care of me! UG!
Maybe I'm the one who needs to stop letting him take care of me. I tried it, I ignored him for awhile but he returned, texting for my attention. Then after a couple weeks I told him we couldn't be friends and why. So we weren't, then a gal lead him back into my life and we again picked up as friends. We've had so much fun. But... I don't know. He's become my best friend and so it's very frustrating that it won't become more again. That our past destroyed a future. Well that his ex's and poor decisions destroyed our future.
Guess we never really had a chance tho. I never got to see what we could have been with out his ex's having attitudes about us being together, without dealing with them still wanting him. I never saw what could have been and never will. So I'm left to regret which is such a rarity for me that I do not know how to handle it. I do not know where to go from here. What steps forward to take to move beyond the regret. Cuz it's not like I'll ever get a 2nd chance.
Oh sigh, but could I? This is what my heart crys out and my heart screams louder than my head. I'm torn and wish my heart and head could line up.
"It's amazing how much damage can be done when you have nothing but good intentions."
My heart means well, I think I'm trying to help that I'm making things better and yet somehow it all goes down hill.
Oh sigh, but could I? This is what my heart crys out and my heart screams louder than my head. I'm torn and wish my heart and head could line up.
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